navigating the big stuff

I am currently sitting in my favorite local coffee shop, spending some time in this space in between the staff meeting we just finished and my next shift that starts in an hour and a half. I love having those little gaps of time to sneak away and sit in a crowded coffee shop to work on this blog. There is something really magical in the hustle and bustle of the movement of strangers. Each person is either focused on their own work or conversing with a friend. Some of my deepest conversations and most productive work has occurred around the buzz of strangers. Maybe it’s the strong coffee pumping through our collective veins or maybe it is just the environment as a whole that makes such a safe place for conversation and inspiration, I can’t be sure.

As I sit here, half unintentionally listening into conversations and half focusing on the sounds of the baristas brewing the coffee, I am still able to get silent and focused. The aroma of coffee fills the air, the buzz of new business ventures, catching up with an old friend and stretching your limbs to continue to keep on working is all going on around me and I can’t help but feeling grateful for these types of places. They are filled with the magic of human connection.

As I sit here, I reflect on a deeper conversation that I had with my husband last night. We both had our first true day off in a while. The semester ended for him so there were no more looming deadlines stealthily stealing the present moment from our conversations. I was off of work so there was no timeline to follow for our day and we decided to immerse ourselves in nature a bit, in an effort to truly disconnect to the city and reconnect with the earth. We walked Elzi around a lake which could quite possibly be the one thing that is the truest form of therapy for me- being near water. I took off my shoes and walked on the edge of the water in an effort for soaking up all the well-being I could.

As we continued to walk, I found myself getting clarity over an area of my life that has caused some resistance. Since moving to St. Louis, I have found many ways to adjust and come to truly enjoy all the things that this city has to offer. Whether it be my job, the people, the yoga community, all the amazing food, the events, etc, I have been making an intentional effort to appreciate being here. However, I still have found myself feeling ready for things that don’t make sense for both Teddy AND I right now.

What I mean by that is that I can find so many reasons why being here is so beneficial for him. The program he is in is incredible, the opportunities he has are immensely larger than in the past and he feels challenged and fulfilled. Because of these things, he hasn’t had much time to think about when starting a family would be best. I would love to start traveling in these years before having babies but there aren’t many spans of time that he has off of school or teaching to go do those things. Or I would feel more rooted somewhere if we were starting a family. However, neither of those things make sense for him- which I completely understand. I feel slightly selfish telling him these things since I am in such a deep understanding with where he stands, however, they are not anything that are grounding me or fulfilling ME enough to slow down the soul stirring that is occurring. There is no clear reason for me to be here other than to support him, and so finding a way to make sense of this season has been on my mind.

What was so beautiful about it all too was that he just listened. He understood, he knew. He is my rock. My nonjudgemental rock.

This conversation is the same type of fork in the road we have been met with so many times in our relationship. We are moving at different rates on different ideas. It is something that has deeply caused our relationship to flourish in many ways- our sense of individuality. Being our own person while simultaneously being in sync is a balancing act in a way. It works out perfectly until you are on different sides of the same idea, then it’s more difficult to find the middle ground. So I am here, feeling like I need a rooted reason to not be starting a family that makes more sense to my personhood, not just makes most sense for my husband. As much as I respect him, I think that is why my soul has been stirring more than normal.

The one thing that does make sense to me is that before having babies I would like to travel and see more of the world. I feel like there is this extremely vast and beautiful adventure awaiting everyone and I have barely scratched the surface of that place. But then I am not doing that due to wanting to really experience those things with my best friend and love of my life. I don’t want to miss out on sharing those moments together.

So, here I am. Being both extremely present and aware of where I am at and also being slightly conflicted on how to proceed. I feel like I am slightly doing things in a way to just pass the time here in St. Louis, and that is not what living a life with intention looks like to me. I love my husband more than anything in this world. He is my very very best friend and I am so proud of all the amazing things that he is accomplishing. Is it okay for me to feel such happiness and pride for him and also want to solidify my individuality? When is a better time to do so than before babies come and turn your world and priorities around?

I have always jumped into my own next adventure, so I don’t want it to seem that he is in any way holding me back- he fully supports whatever it is that I want to do. I know that this is my own journey of self-discovery getting more and more clear. I have been in love with Teddy for over 10 years, and this is slightly always the way in which life works. One of us is clear and the other is figuring it out. Like I said, it’s this grand-scale balancing act, marriage is.

Either way, I know for certain that he is what makes me feel the most whole. I just have a few puzzle pieces that I am finding a way to put together in a way that makes the most sense for both of us. My hope in sharing this is to show what marriage is all about. Holding space for each other to figure things out with non-judgement and with love. Sometimes things get blurry- but it is not the relationship or the love that gets blurry. It’s the journey of the self. It’s not always a straight line. Sometimes it is slightly messy, and that is okay! I don’t want to shy away from talking about the deep stuff, the real & raw stuff.

Can you relate?


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